*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
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I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.