*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
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Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
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Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
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Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
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this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
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@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”