Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
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“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?