*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
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So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.