*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
You Might Also Like
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Everyone’s family
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick