usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
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A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
podcasts
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*