Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
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me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
When your man makes a valid point
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]