Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday