Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
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We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven