Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too