Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Bring back the McRib
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?