Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
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If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?