@Brampersandon_

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

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@HatfieldAnne

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

@Rollmaninoz

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

@Marlebean

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

@briancgrubb

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

@internetluke

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

@ddsmidt

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

@MichaelTrying

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

@Dawn_M_

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

@bea_ker

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job