Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
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Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks