[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
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Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.