Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
this post was so formative to me