Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
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“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”