USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
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Unimpressed
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I feel seen.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁