[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
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Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.