Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
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I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house