Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
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Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
No laws when master is gone
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Carpe DM
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.