Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Growing out my freckles.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Meow
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
🤣😂
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!