Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
You Might Also Like
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.