Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
You Might Also Like
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?