Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
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Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
This is enough internet for the day.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
The news in a nutshell.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!