[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
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Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
me when i see my girls butt
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.