Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
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*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)