@krystaunclear Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
@UncleDuke1969 Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
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@krystaunclear 
@GreenishDuck People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
@JasonLastname [Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
@Cheeseboy22 Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
@TheTweetOfGod The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
@CulturedRuffian I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
@LaceyNycole Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
@birbigs Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
@AndrewProTV I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…