Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

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Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch


People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.


[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?


Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.


The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.


I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.


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Meterologist: But science

People: NO


Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.


Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.


I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…