@UncleDuke1969

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

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@krystaunclear

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

@GreenishDuck

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

@JasonLastname

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

@Cheeseboy22

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

@TheTweetOfGod

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

@CulturedRuffian

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

@LaceyNycole

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

@birbigs

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

@

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

@AndrewProTV

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…