[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
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I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.