*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
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[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard