Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
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Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Awesome parenting 😂