vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I have so many questions.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
This is what makes twitter great
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.