Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
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My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
“You drive, I’m tired.”