Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
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There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.