Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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Is this a threat?
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
What an awful time to have common sense.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What