“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
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For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.