Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
You Might Also Like
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end