[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
You Might Also Like
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*