[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
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All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.