[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information