VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
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When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.