vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
You Might Also Like
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
dam girl
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.