Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
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9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.