VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
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Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.