vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
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My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*