Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
me hitting on a model
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.