Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
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I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
The first one, obviously
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel