Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
We all have our pet causes.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.