Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
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Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?