vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
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It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.