vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
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BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?