vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
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I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.