Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
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One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
A family that plays together cheats.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.